Predicament

I think life is constructed like a joke... I have been a reader of various Zen writings and they all seem to say one thing: most known truths are paradox. Im saying like a joke because its funny how life is like that: paradox. It is also strange and conflicting half the time.

I'm in a predicament. You see, life has been kind and I found chances with several things I have been chasing. So it is kind of good right now. But...do not underestimate the power of feelings and want as well as need. Once you get what you want, you are hit with realities.

One: you have no idea how to proceed. Mostly you go with the flow and let it grow. But sometimes it is not that simple. Be it your business life and your relationships you need to be cautious. You need to step outside and see where you are and where you are going. Or do you? You see, thats how I wired myself, chained myself. I know what I am like see, I know how people react to me and my work. My feelings are always involved and my opinions are not normally subject to personal review. So in this caution I basically protect the world from myself. But the world does not know that.

I fear few things in life. I do not fear business or relationships...I just fear myself and my actions within those areas. I give so much that I end up feeling worthless and so decide to give little to achieve more. I feel so much that I fear to push away what I want. So I keep the emotion in check and though I move with effort...I move and protect.

So i'm in a predicament. They need me to show them everything to take me to the next level. They want me to give everything. She needs me to show it all to take us to the next level. But won't that drive it all away? Won't I scare her from me? I want it all to work out so bad. But I am scared of me. I am worried. My emotions are shouting. I know that I have already chosen to give all. But it scares me. I am naked. Nowere left to hide.

But I know I have decided. I'm going with the tide, not against it. It was always easier anyway - to be the river itself and not the fish. To let myself be...whatever the outcome.

Sigh. And so the tale begins...