Friday, March 25, 2011

How Awesome is this?

This Week as at 3/25/2011

This week was good. i think its safe to say some things are going for me, even the loneliness thing. last weekend i was occupied but i still managed to read a 500 paged book in a few hours. is that normal? about abnormality, i also dont understand why i cant sleep most of the time. these days i read my old saved PDF books and my metal to get me to sleep. and no, softer music is still the same. Anyway i hope i rest and i hope when the weekend is done, ill have new poems and stories to tell. i hope the world will still be around too. no war and all that rubbish (true nonetheless). yeah. world peace. out

Paradise Circus (From a song by Massive Attack)

It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm
we can roll ourselves over 'cause we're uncomfortable
oh where the devil makes us sin
but we like it when we're spinning in his grip.

Love is like a sin, my love
For the ones that feel it the most
Look at her with her eyes like a flame
She will love you like a fly will never love you, again

Monday, March 21, 2011

Life's not so bad when you wake up

(Disclaimer: i was in a certain larger than life mood when i wrote this)
The day was the 19th of March. If someone had told me two days earlier that
the way i was searching for would suddenly become clear, i would have probably not believed them. My life has been crap of late, and by the time thursday of last week ended, i thought that i was losing control. the
week wasnt yet over but i found myself public drinking and waiting for work that could literally get me killed,at night and possibly never getting home,
where my sick mother was already anxious due to the fact that i was hours
late from my usual time and with a dead phone battery. little did she know
 that even though, i was having vodka flanked by strangers, who did i mention,
were going to get me killed, and oh, i was enjoying myself. when i did get home,
i discovered my work would not allow me to sleep. next day at work,i spent the
 day doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself and the lack of sleep
had me thinking that maybe missing the next day's event would not be such a bad
 thing. i basicaly needed time with myself and figure out what i wanted
to do with myself, a day to sleep through, some series to catch up on and i
really wanted to avoid going to a place where all i would get is a constant
reminder of the void in my heart. heartbreak is a dreadful thing, but when you
 realise your life has stopped because of one person and they probably
dont notice it,you decide to think about yourself. what i realised was
that if i was her, i wouldnt have wanted me either. i wasnt living, i wasnt
chasing anything anymore. i was a mess. that said i set up a meeting with a
business idea for a friend and i. we ended up deciding to go to the event anyway,
where we would conclude our deal. it was the 19th of March. i saw her but
i had a positive energy around me and a hand stamped with a fake 'fire'
ambigram tattoo and was bold enough to hug her.recieved,
i didnt wait to see what i would have to say. to make a lomg story short, i
suddenly knew that even though it was real love i felt for her, i could now
still see her without that sharp pang. i could even be comfortable as friends
and hope somewhere inside myself, i would stop loving,only care.but you see
you never know what life wants for you. i told myself to look for someone
new to know,to enjoy myself,to start my side business,to make new friends,
to consider peforming my poetry and to see the good in everything for once.
without a warning, id woken up atlast. i had been killing myself for no reason.
i had so much potential in me,had been ignoring myself,been asleep but with
no sleep,id been hurting myself again,i wasnt even eating and i never noticed
id lost site of what living was because all i saw it as was something before
death.all i had to do was admit myself to be happy. i got happy alright and
everything i wished for came that day. the business thing was concluded,i
saw a fresh set at the evnt,including some old friends too and new ones. i
was happy to realise that i was talented in all i was doing. i saw that it
was to set myself free and start showing the world how exactly talented i am
and the time to share everything had come. i will work extra to be able to
find materials for my art, i will do graphic design jobs on the side and the
old t shirt trade of last year, i will find time to work on improving my
poetry and writing music.i will give some more at work and at play.
oh and because of fate,i have to
make time for the girl i love and the event she wants me to help with, an
event i wont be able to attend but which is unbelievably exciting...infact,
i think i wanna attend after all.i intend to make a plan.
i also met one of her friends that day and not only is she awesome, shes got
two eye colours on each eye,a brownish hazel one and an almost sea green,
(so beautiul) and not to sound like a girl but did i mention she's like totally hot!
 i think she's a foreigner. anyway,i dont know her nearly enough
to say anything above the fact that she's the first girl to catch my eye
since b. it sure started out good.but anyway,new crushes aside, i think i
have the little beginnings of a life, hours after conceding defeat to my inner
voice. that im sure,is a good sign. i will help b in all i can. just being
in her life is enough at the moment but im really afraid as to what would
happen if her harmless decision to have me a little closer to her on the web will end
up with hurt all over again. maybe it was subconcious or just friendly for
her to make one of the first people she's following on twitter me,one of
the first people shed invite to other new social networks and her new fb pages
etc and because i had an opening,i made the same rash decision and even
showed her my new about.me page,which meens i invited her into my life when
i had decided to do the opposite as i still see one party dying from this
bonding.but i love her. i cant help it. for now. i wish i could have told
her how much it hurt just to be in proximity.how it felt that with her
friends there, i was lonely enough and sad enough to mock myself and say
things to her face that she never ended up hearing anyway.to tell her that
the reason i wasnt living anymore was because of her words. to elaborate,
she'd told me she didnt want me and i wasnt right for her,well except she
thought she'd said it already and so id understood her attitude only when she
said 'you have to stop this thing,you have to get over me...' sad thing was
i only got to be aware at around that time.so as a master of pain, i decided
to brush it aside till i was away from her,all my real friends saw the change.
too bad though. after that, i thought i could never be well enough to talk
to her with a straight face. but you never know how things go right. im not
going to go after her again by the way,ive already left that choice on her
lips should anything ever happen. i still love her,and for that reason, i
will be her friend and be good at it too.i know how to channel my emotion
when im in control of myself. besides, im wondering if the friend has a boy -
friend. i wouldnt mind myself. it all starts and ends with love ha? i cant even
write my first post since 'Anamnesis' without talking about it. i wish the
world would get that. thes way too much fucking fighting.
it is the season of Anamnesis, the time for awakening. ill never write a post this
long and with content like this again.

ABOUT.ME/TAMIZIZHOU

Joined a site that i will now use to connect the rest. Visit this page at about.me/tamizizhou . Its pretty rad.

crazy about poetry: The event yet to rock my life

crazy about poetry: The event yet to rock my life: "Poetry and...............My event, the event.its on April 15th, no rain nor thunder can stop it from happening.all i got to say is Funk! Fun..." From http://barbrabreezeanderson.blogspot.com/