Predicament

I think life is constructed like a joke... I have been a reader of various Zen writings and they all seem to say one thing: most known truths are paradox. Im saying like a joke because its funny how life is like that: paradox. It is also strange and conflicting half the time.

I'm in a predicament. You see, life has been kind and I found chances with several things I have been chasing. So it is kind of good right now. But...do not underestimate the power of feelings and want as well as need. Once you get what you want, you are hit with realities.

One: you have no idea how to proceed. Mostly you go with the flow and let it grow. But sometimes it is not that simple. Be it your business life and your relationships you need to be cautious. You need to step outside and see where you are and where you are going. Or do you? You see, thats how I wired myself, chained myself. I know what I am like see, I know how people react to me and my work. My feelings are always involved and my opinions are not normally subject to personal review. So in this caution I basically protect the world from myself. But the world does not know that.

I fear few things in life. I do not fear business or relationships...I just fear myself and my actions within those areas. I give so much that I end up feeling worthless and so decide to give little to achieve more. I feel so much that I fear to push away what I want. So I keep the emotion in check and though I move with effort...I move and protect.

So i'm in a predicament. They need me to show them everything to take me to the next level. They want me to give everything. She needs me to show it all to take us to the next level. But won't that drive it all away? Won't I scare her from me? I want it all to work out so bad. But I am scared of me. I am worried. My emotions are shouting. I know that I have already chosen to give all. But it scares me. I am naked. Nowere left to hide.

But I know I have decided. I'm going with the tide, not against it. It was always easier anyway - to be the river itself and not the fish. To let myself be...whatever the outcome.

Sigh. And so the tale begins...

Lacrimae Rerum

To put silence in words
Requires a sound
And to paint death
Requires a colour
Nothing exists in words
Or in colour
Our imagination
Became our eyes

To speak of life
Is to speak of pain
To speak of love
Is to lose yourself
The day it began
All turned paradox
And our greatest triumphs
Lived within tragedy

Chained in reality
Was always truth
In the invisible
In gravity and time
Quiet dominance in love
In power with faith
And truer still
The sorrow of being

We reconcile with life
And fear our end
When living is a drop
Into the sea that is death
A mere demonstration
Of the lifestreams
The hands of mother earth
And ancient of days

Lacrimae rerum
Oh we weep for consciousness
Our eyes forever clouded
By falsehoods of the mind
And how sad to run away
From our very souls
How we devour ourselves
Without grace

Soon time will fall
And faith will dissolve
Soon everything will be real
The end a beginning
And when we see the light
We will be the brightness
As when we find love
We will be the feeling

Bloodmoon (@Red_Sekhmet) Poem

Cerulean and sapphire merge ~ the horizon their endless seam ~ the sun is in a mood to splurge ~ as it casts down handfuls of gleam -- Bloodmoon (@Red_Sekhmet)

The Traveller (Song)

{09/12}
I once felt it
The length of your roots
Planted within me
Latching onto me
Lost words
Will have no meaning
To someone like me
Who has seen it all

Taste the wind with my finger Pointing to where I head
Placed on my heart
Is my treasured map
Float towards justice
And plot those feelings
Mirrored by the moon
Shining with indifference

As the canvas keeps moving
With or without you
Keep moving a brush
Leave a trace
Be the painter
Like me, a traveller
Life waits for noone
This journey is without end

Chorus:
Be your own
I was never here
See the world
Remove the mist from your eyes Forget I ever was
Passing through your life like smoke Sail on in the journey
You're a traveller through time

Mirrors & Gravity

A wall of chaos
Once descended
In a dreamer's guise
And as a dream
It was my reality
And my new curse
I basked in it's favor
And in delight

"Carry me to the edge
Let me fall
I will go upwards
And kill gravity
I have no desire
For what lies down there
I have no reason
To go back into darkness"

A glass stained wall
I saw it scream
That self-hating place
That mirror image
With a silent deathwish
That I never shared
It was just an image I said
It was not me

"Shatter me in the end
Be free of me
These colours you see
Are my mask my love
Gilded shadow and formless
Sent to ruin you
And confuse you
To change in time"

A portrait wall
Engineered to perfection
Façade of reality
And a true lie
Aesthetically in error
Bridging lies to shame
Weather of terror
Striking my name

"Drop me on a stage
Violent displays
Kaleidoscope of fact
To blur the lines the lies
We are not we
We never were
You are not me
You never will be"

Melancholia {22 April 2012}

'Melancholia, the star falling on my planet - destroy me. Reduce me to simplicity. But take not my sanity or dignity.'

Self - reflection. Before you allow yourself to sit down and really feel yourself leaving your own body, before you try to see yourself from another angle, you can never truly discover exactly how much it hurts being in your own body. Or so it was with me. I had never tried to understand myself. I knew I was different but I never questioned why.

When you have a mind like mine, you are fundamentally in your own wave-length. You actually have a different way to see right and wrong. Your world has fewer rules. The world is grey. There are numerous tragedies that happen on this earth. Are they bad? Is death a horrible thing?

Funny thing is humanity has known death as long as we have existed. And yet, we seem to be no closer to just reconciling ourselves that death is a part of life. We live in fear and so we do not live.

I am, however, not truly an exception when it comes to things that look at life in the wrong way. Because I stopped fearing death, I also began to destroy the thin line between lack-of-fear and recklessness. I found myself walking in a street with on-coming traffic one day. I saw them and yet I just moved right in there. There was nothing but death waiting for me. And yet I spared no beat of my heart. No skip. No reaction except a sigh and I never bothered to close my eyes and it’s only a few days later, when I left my own body in my then-rare forays outside of myself (hence able to see closer within), that I scolded myself. I did not die. I did not get injured. The cars did not reach me at all. But my lack-of-fear had turned into recklessness. I realized I was not, strictly speaking – suicidal. I was reckless, but why?

For me to find my answer I had to see deeper into myself and hence I had to see myself from a new angle. What I found startled me. I got so caught up accepting death, but in doing so, I forgot why I wanted to live. I forgot there are reasons I want to live.

It was a difficult thing to finally understand because I had changed. I was the sort of person who saw more because I looked for more. Sun motes can occupy my eyes for an hour. I see beauty in everything and marvel at nature’s in particular. People are too caught up in their ‘living’ that they do not fully appreciate where they stand. I had changed. Or I just forgot?
But how could I forget? Maybe it was love. The one thing I kept looking for that gave me a new wave of possibilities. Of new ideas. Of New possibilities. Of living more and bringing new life to the world. I believed in love. When it continually eluded me, I forgot why I needed it in the first place. But then I remembered. I remembered how beautiful each moment became after a while. How every touch was heaven. How you are consumed and yet you live for that destruction of self. I say destruction of self because you cease to see yourself as a single entity. The ultimate destruction. The true death. How sad and poetic that I have finally remembered that I want to live. Why I want to live. And that its because I want to find someone so I achieve true death.

Then I ask you. Do you see it now? See what happens when you leave your body. When you finally understand? When you ask questions and discover yourself in the process. Love led me here. I see now.

Power Conditions

I am writing this from a lift. Im on my way, like any other day, to work. I am late. I did not make time for breakfast either. All this is normal. Then, why is it that I feel different? Is it because of the african bead chain I decided to put on today? (I have never worn it to work) Or is it maybe the fact that I am not, (as I usually am) wearing my earphones in the lift. I tune out the world, it's my thing, especially in here. Or is it the last few days that have seen my life take a turn that have made me feel this way? The new girlfriend? The company? I think, its all these things. Let me walk you through it...

It is what the Statistic Scientists call a condition of power. It is basically a graph going up in performance or rather, in well-being. I am well. I am aware. I am awake. It is when everything seems to go your way, when persistance and will or hope gives you a reward. I have waited a long time to get here. To find myself doing well in my business, in my social life and in the face of numerous troubles. It feels good to feel good. And an important observation is that you need to work for it. You need to want it, to put all your focus and believe in your own ability. You need to let go and yet embrace. And soon enough, you will feel a change, you will feel the ultimate feeling as you head into the new and face impossible targets. You will feel it, this sense of purpose, this need to achieve and the belief that nothing is unassailable.

Thats the silver lining.

#prongslives