Melancholia {22 April 2012}

'Melancholia, the star falling on my planet - destroy me. Reduce me to simplicity. But take not my sanity or dignity.'

Self - reflection. Before you allow yourself to sit down and really feel yourself leaving your own body, before you try to see yourself from another angle, you can never truly discover exactly how much it hurts being in your own body. Or so it was with me. I had never tried to understand myself. I knew I was different but I never questioned why.

When you have a mind like mine, you are fundamentally in your own wave-length. You actually have a different way to see right and wrong. Your world has fewer rules. The world is grey. There are numerous tragedies that happen on this earth. Are they bad? Is death a horrible thing?

Funny thing is humanity has known death as long as we have existed. And yet, we seem to be no closer to just reconciling ourselves that death is a part of life. We live in fear and so we do not live.

I am, however, not truly an exception when it comes to things that look at life in the wrong way. Because I stopped fearing death, I also began to destroy the thin line between lack-of-fear and recklessness. I found myself walking in a street with on-coming traffic one day. I saw them and yet I just moved right in there. There was nothing but death waiting for me. And yet I spared no beat of my heart. No skip. No reaction except a sigh and I never bothered to close my eyes and it’s only a few days later, when I left my own body in my then-rare forays outside of myself (hence able to see closer within), that I scolded myself. I did not die. I did not get injured. The cars did not reach me at all. But my lack-of-fear had turned into recklessness. I realized I was not, strictly speaking – suicidal. I was reckless, but why?

For me to find my answer I had to see deeper into myself and hence I had to see myself from a new angle. What I found startled me. I got so caught up accepting death, but in doing so, I forgot why I wanted to live. I forgot there are reasons I want to live.

It was a difficult thing to finally understand because I had changed. I was the sort of person who saw more because I looked for more. Sun motes can occupy my eyes for an hour. I see beauty in everything and marvel at nature’s in particular. People are too caught up in their ‘living’ that they do not fully appreciate where they stand. I had changed. Or I just forgot?
But how could I forget? Maybe it was love. The one thing I kept looking for that gave me a new wave of possibilities. Of new ideas. Of New possibilities. Of living more and bringing new life to the world. I believed in love. When it continually eluded me, I forgot why I needed it in the first place. But then I remembered. I remembered how beautiful each moment became after a while. How every touch was heaven. How you are consumed and yet you live for that destruction of self. I say destruction of self because you cease to see yourself as a single entity. The ultimate destruction. The true death. How sad and poetic that I have finally remembered that I want to live. Why I want to live. And that its because I want to find someone so I achieve true death.

Then I ask you. Do you see it now? See what happens when you leave your body. When you finally understand? When you ask questions and discover yourself in the process. Love led me here. I see now.